The Shadows of Sexuality

Published in the October 2008 Vision Magazine

In a society with an inclination to plaster sexual images everywhere, sex is still very much in the shadows. Sexuality is often laden with shame, embarrassment, guilt, judgment, and stigma, so its shadows can be heavy and frightening. It is imperative to address the shadows of sex to see it is a natural human experience, as well as a powerful force. When such a topic is mired in silence and misconceptions, it can lead to many personal and societal problems, such as abuse and exploitation. The politicians and religious leaders brought down by public sex scandals are perfect examples of individuals whose shadow elements have surfaced in unhealthy ways.

Click HERE to read the entire article through the Vision Magazine web site!

Who’s Your Perfect Partner?

Published in the January 2008 San Diego Seniors

Have you spent much time on the dating scene? Any time you return to this arena, you may experience a mix of exhilaration, confusion, and dread. We have heard or experienced the horror stories like that of my sister, who walked into a bar to meet a date, only to find him ladling snacks from the community bowl into his mouth like it was soup, or a male friend who told me about a first date with a woman who optimistically inquired whether he was into shooting up horse tranquilizers like her last boyfriend. While we hope such encounters are less frequent as we mature and gain dating experience, we also tend to get more set in our ways with our quirks and baggage. It is easy to become disappointed when the people we meet are not who we hoped they would be, and disillusioned about starting over or being able to find the right match.

In contrast, when all is going well and we feel “in the flow” with a new person, the excitement and novelty float us along. Knowing that these feelings of connection and contentment are possible keep many of us in the game. But it can still feel like a crap shoot over which we have no control. We hope to be lucky enough to have a great relationship happen to us. However, there is a helpful activity to attract this flow experience into our dating lives.

How would you define your ideal partner? If you were to make a list, what would be included? While it is easy for most folks to rattle off a short list of desired attributes, such as generous, honest, attractive, and humorous, I am suggesting that you to dig deeper at your ideals and values. Consider the following factors when creating your Perfect Partner List: appearance, life outlook, personality, skills, values, interests, background, politics, religion, family attachments, goals, the nature of your interactions, and the person’s impact on you. These can be ranked or weighted according to importance. Some will be less significant than others, but do pay close attention to which characteristics are non-negotiable. Trust yourself with these, and stay true to them.

Taking the time to create a meaningful list serves many beneficial purposes. This process helps you to focus on your values, and be clear about what is important to you. It is like setting an intention to the universe and taking a stand for what you know is best for you. And it makes your decisions in dating easier because you are explicit about your needs, and able to articulate them.

It is probably not a good idea to break out this list on a date, and use it as a checklist! I was recently at an upscale bar in La Jolla, bantering with a cute man. It did not occur to me until the third question pertaining to children and marriage that I was being interviewed. The interrogation was unnerving and felt alienating and artificial. On the other hand, your Perfect Partner List is a way to maintain awareness of your values and your non-negotiable ideals when you want to date someone seriously. Listening to any dating warning bells is therefore easier, as well as recognizing and appreciating a genuine and meaningful connection that is worthy of your heart.

Loving Your Body!

What is body-image? The subjective perception of one’s physical appearance.

The word “subjective” is important in that definition, because it indicates that there is no objective reality, just how we perceive the beauty or appearance of our own bodies.

I think we as women can end up undermining ourselves and each others in the comments we make about ourselves and other women. I take a class at a gym with very conventionally thin, young, and attractive women, who complain about the jiggle in their ass and the cellulite on the thighs. And it becomes a competition of sorts of who complains that their body parts are worse.

I think it’s important to be aware of such comments and the impact they have on our self-esteem and the potential impact they have on other women who are listening in perpetuating unrealistic and dangerous standards of “beauty” and “perfection.”

So here are some ideas to support and praise ourselves and our friends:

• When you find yourself criticizing your looks, compliment yourself on something positive you did recently. (Have an automatic positive switch topic for each day.)
• Most of us judge each of our body parts individually -- my thighs are too fat, my breasts too droopy, my lips too thick. Try experiencing your body as a whole, rather than as separate parts that need improvement.
• Do some physical activity or sport you’ve never tried before - yoga, nia, rollerblading, walking on the beach, stretching. By being physically active, we can begin to appreciate what our bodies can do, instead of focusing on how we look.
• Widen your circle of friends and acquaintances - include women of all ethnic and racial groups, age groups, sizes, abilities, and sexual orientations. Exposing yourself to other cultural values and the rich and varied experiences of all women, can change our narrow ideas about what qualifies as a beautiful body.
• Before getting out of bed in the morning, think of 3 things that you appreciate about your body. Start your day on a positive note!

Look in the mirror each day and tell yourself that you’re beautiful, powerful, and lovable. And thank yourself for all the amazing things your body does for you.