"Where did the condom go?"
"Uh...I dunno."

Has this ever happened to you?
This happened to a friend of mine just last week.
She dug around inside her vagina. He dug around inside her vagina. She jumped up and down. She did pilates. She ended up going to Planned Parenthood to have the condom removed.

Where did it go? Well, you can't actually "lose" anything inside your vagina, because it is only a few inches long and the cervix is at the far end, blocking entrance into the uterus. However, the cervix is at the top and to the side of the vaginal canal, and things can get tucked next to the cervix. If a condom is compacted and warmed to body temperature, it can feel a lot like the folds of the vagina when digging around. But I think just knowing that a condom can't actually get lost inside the vagina is helpful.

What to do if this happens to you?
Put one or two fingers inside your vagina as far as possible and gently feel around for the rim of the condom. Be patient and not frantic. Or, sit on the toilet or squat down and bear down like you're going to the bathroom. If nothing works to remove it, then do go see a medical professional to have it removed.

How to avoid?
Condoms do come in different shapes and sizes, so you can ensure a snug but comfortable fit. Make sure it it rolled all the way to the bottom of the penis. If you are using lube inside the tip for added pleasure, make sure it's only about a dime-sized amount. Hold onto the condom when pulling out. And if the penis is getting softer at any time, be aware that the condom could slip off!

What are the potential consequences?
If there was an exchange of fluids, which is likely in this situation (i.e., precum, semen, vaginal secretions, blood) then the risk for transmitting STDs/STIs is present. The skin-to-skin contact also allows for transmission of certain STDs/STIs such as herpes or HPV. As well, if you are using condoms for birth control, having precum or semen in your vagina is risky.

There is emergency contraception that can reduce the risk of pregnancy for up to 120 hours after intercourse. This is basically a very high dose of birth control pills, so potentially expect some side effects for a couple days. As far as STDs/STIs, pay attention for anything different in odor, discharge, or appearance around your genitals. However, many STIs do not have visible symptoms, so get yourself checked out!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

I passed an interesting billboard driving into Pacific Beach the other day. It's for the online sexual health service InSpot.org. At InSpot.org you can notify by email people you've been sexually active with if you get diagnosed with an STD.

I like the idea. It's about taking responsibility for caring for the health of others you have been with, while also taking into account the stigma and embarrassment around discussing such topics. You can choose from one of six email postcards, and then fill in the online form. The postcards can be sent with your email address or anonymously. One thing I noticed is that in the drop-down menu to choose your STD, there are only choices of bacterial or parasitic infections, not viral. I'm wondering if they made this choice because of the difference in potential severity of the STDs, and that getting an email saying - "Hey, I just diagnosed with HIV. You might want to get it checked out" - might not be the best way to hear such news.

I'm curious whether it will actually be successful and impact communication around STDs, or if it will turn into late night drunken joke email postcards sent to friends. But for now, I think it's a valuable service.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Education & Empowerment in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

“Get messy in life – at least you know you’re living.”
“The appreciation of pleasure can be an anchor of one’s humanity.”

The first quote was stated by Meryl Streep and Uma Thurman in the relatively disappointing romantic comedy Prime. The second is from Elizabeth Gilbert’s phenomenal bestseller, Eat Pray Love. They are both resonating with me right now.

If you’ve been taught to be good, to follow convention, and stifle your dreams to please others and avoid judgment, than perhaps getting messy and making some mistakes is exactly the calling to rock your boat. I’m kind of a mix of these, as I still embody the lessons to be good and avoid judgment, yet I’m comfortable dodging conventions and following my dreams. Nonetheless, I like the reminder to get messy. You know, although a somewhat literal interpretation of the quote, for years I avoided going under water in pools or in the ocean if my hair was clean, because the time needed to wash it and blow dry it again didn’t seem worth it. I did not realize what I was missing. Did you know that floating is the first pleasure we ever experience? According to Stella Resnick, Ph.D., in The Pleasure Zone, “Primal Pleasure begins with floating, cradled in a sac of warm fluid, connected to a source of complete nurturance without any sense of separation or boundary….The physical experience of bliss is fundamentally an experience of buoyancy: You literally feel like you’re soaring.” I was afraid to get messy, was prioritizing vanity, and consequently not appreciating the extreme pleasure of going with the flow with the freedom of my spirit.

The “messy” reference in the quote certainly means a lot more than physically getting dirty. It is emotionally and mentally and spiritually taking risks and entering new territory. Things are always messy and unclean and scary. But that’s how you know you’re on the right path, because you’re challenging yourself outside a little comfortable box. The pursuit of pleasure, when emanating from a pure drive for beauty, appreciation, and joy, gives us a taste of the best of humanity. And the experience of such pleasure requires the courage to be completely honest with ourselves.

I don’t care anymore if my hair is wild after a good dose of chlorine and salt water. Now I even leave it that way for a couple days. A simple pleasure that makes me smile.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Pleasures in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com