"He walked me to my car and we were kissing for awhile and it was great, but now I haven't heard from him this whole week."
"He said he's really busy and that's why he hasn't called for another date."
"We met for coffee and spent hours talking and he said he really likes talking to me. Does that count as a date?"
"I haven't heard from him in two weeks, and then he suddenly gives me a nice birthday present. I don't get it! What am I supposed to think?"

I'm sure we all have examples like these. I don't mean to pick on men here, but as a woman with many close female friends, these are the stories that I tend to hear. There is often ambiguity at the start of hanging out with someone, as to whether there is genuine interest in dating, interest in sex, or just interest in developing a friendship. How can you tell what the other person is thinking?

In some cases there will be ambiguity no matter what, because you can't always know how much you like the person and how well they match up with you. But wouldn't it be great if there was some system on which to rate what you're thinking about various potentials, and report that to the other person (and vice versa), so there is always clear communication about where you stand? For example, after each interaction, you indicate on a 1-10 scale, how you're feeling about the potential for:
-Dating
-Hanging out as friends
-Kissing
-Sex
-Being only Facebook friends

Would this ruin the excitement, mystery, and spontaneity at the start of knowing someone? Or would it just clear up a lot of confusion, hurt, and anger? It seems perhaps it would create MORE hurt feelings at first, while also creating LESS uncertainty and annoyance. I think if this was a standard way of interacting, we would learn how to tap into and express our emotions better, and be better able to handle honest rejection. Food for thought!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

With all of the focus and fear around the economy, I don't want to add to the drama or scarcity perspectives. However, I was interviewed by Kristina Lee of San Diego Fox 5 News this morning (it will be aired on the 10pm news on Thursday, October 30) about how to keep money problems from negatively impacting a long-term relationship. I think this is a great question!

In times of financial strain, paying attention to and nurturing the health of our relationships is particularly important. When it comes down to it, our connections with other humans is fundamental to our well-being. However, money problems can lead to stress, and stress can lead to resentments, and stress AND resentments can reduce our sex drive and ability to be vulnerable and authentic.

What to do?
A B C ' S

A - Appreciation. Appreciate what you have already, financially and materially. This is a way to change your focus from scarcity to abundance. Also focus on your individual strengths, the strengths of your partner, and the strengths of your relationship, and express gratitude for this. This is an obvious yet powerful shift from negative to positive and is imperative for a strong foundation of security, stability, and love in your relationship.

B - Be Honest. Are you spending money and hiding it from your partner? If yes, check in with your motivations behind the spending. Are you an emotional spender? What needs are not being met and how do you use spending to fill that void? Also check in with how this dishonesty can be undermining your relationship. If your partner can't trust you financially, that is a huge burden of stress you're imposing on them, and your spending is likely causing stress for you as well.

C - Clear, Concise Communication. Schedule a meeting once a month with your partner to openly discuss your financial concerns (and financial successes, as well). Discuss your priorities, spending habits, needs, desires, and emotions. Be specific about what you are committed to in your finances. You can also use this structured time to check in with the health of your relationship overall and talk about these commitments.

S - Sex! Could you guess what the 'S' would stand for? I actually mean this to include the big picture around intimacy and sensuality. Are you looking for fun activities that don't cost much? Sex is free :) And how about other sensual activities? I think massage is the perfect activity for times like these between partners, whether feet, head, back, or full body. A massage: 1) is free; 2) reduces stress; 3) increases positive hormones; 4) improves sensual connection and intimacy; 5) allows you to prioritize your intimate relationship, even if just for a short time.

Do you have any other suggestions and ideas on this topic? Please comment here!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

Please Vote!
We were nominated for BOTH "Best Video Podcast" and "Best Produced"!

The official two-week voting period starts today.
Please Vote until November 6!
There's one catch - you can cast a vote once EVERY 24 HOURS.
But please vote at least once, if nothing else - I would really appreciate that!

It takes about one minute to vote.

1) Click on this link: http://www.podcastawards.com/

2) Vote in "Best Produced" and "Best Video Podcast" for In the Den with Dr. Jenn.

3) At the bottom, fill in your Name, Email Address, and whether you're a Listener, Podcaster, or Both.

4) Click Submit on the right. You may receive an email to "Verify Your Vote" - just click on the link they provide and you're done.

5) Go back after 24 hours and do it again! (If you would like daily email reminders for the next two weeks from me, just email me and write "Hook me up, Dr. Jenn!")

NOTE: They are hard core about people not illegally voting more than once a day from a particular IP address.

Thank you so much for all your support and time - keep your fingers crossed!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com

Last night I hosted my monthly free Coed Coffee Chat. This month's topic was: What is Intimacy? How Can it be Improved?

I was really impressed with the depth of insights and sharing from the group of 12 women and men, most of whom had just met for the first time. As we made our initial round of introductions, we each stated why this topic piqued our interest. This sharing alone offered fascinating insights into the complicated and varied perceptions of the meaning of intimacy. For some, intimacy is something created with a partner who can be trusted with our fragile vulnerabilities. For others, intimacy is something that can be created with many people, from an intense eye gazing with a stranger, to a group of women supporting and loving one another. Is sex part of intimacy? Absolutely, if you want it to be. Sex can be a powerful pathway to intimacy and transcendence. But it is not necessary for intimacy.

Although we began the meeting with different understandings of what intimacy means, there seemed to be consensus that keys to true intimacy are
open communication and a willingness to be transparent and vulnerable. Yes - vulnerability. Perhaps a terrifying word for some, yet the key to loving ourselves and allowing others in for blissful intimacy.

AND...I learned a new clever way to think about intimacy: In To Me You See.
Cool!

*The photograph here is part of a fine art photography series of the sensual contours of the earth, Earth Erotica, by Heather Firth. She attended this month's discussion on Intimacy and shared her wisdom!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, Ph.D.

Relationship & Intimacy Doctor
Healthy Sexuality & Happy Relationships in San Diego
www.drjennsden.com